Love Conquers All... :-)

A man escapes from prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen any women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He didn't kiss my neck. He whispered that he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too..."

Practical Thinking

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below 0 to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

The nutty soldier

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving strangely. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier examined.

The doctor concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

Courageous?

When the husband comes home in a really heavy alcoholic state, being courageous is to ask your wife whether she's going for a fly or just doing a bit of night cleaning when she is waiting for you with a broom...

:-)

Catch-22 - Lawyer's Version...

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.
“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.”
“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.”
“How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks.

St. Peter answers: “We've added up your time sheets.”

:-)

Obama Need Not Wonder Anymore...

President Obama doesn't have to hire any expensive consultants to figure out why his approval ratings are dropping. We acknowledge a picture is worth a thousand words, so here comes the revealing picture:



Source: Political Humor at About.com.

Self-Help Section

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where’s the self-help section?"
She said: "If I told you, it would defeat the purpose."

Have a nice week everyone. :-)

Heard a While Back...

Back a couple of thousand years, Jesus was - it is claimed - walking on water. Many were amazed, but the fishermen had a pretty cold remark in response to all this:

"We don't care who you say your father is. Don't walk where we fish!"

Have a nice weekend everyone. :-)

Indecent Proposal

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else. One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll give you a $1000 dollars if you let me screw you, but the girl said no.

Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. She called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says: "Ask him for $2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks: "What happened?"

She said "The bastard used coins"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed. :-)

A Couple of Jokes This Week

Q. What do you say to an arab with his arm all the way up a camel's behind?
A. "Having car trouble?"

Q. What's the difference between Michael Moore and a 1 metric ton CARE package?
A. Michael Moore, if sliced real thin, can feed a larger Afghan village.

Everlasting love? ;-)

A boy gives a girl 10 roses, 9 real and 1 fake.

And he says to the girl: "I'll love you, until the last one dies.."

Have a nice weekend everyone. :-)

A good Joke - Video

This short is based on an old joke, a perennial in compilations of Jewish humor. Although the details differ between versions, the scene remains the same: a priest challenges a rabbi to a debate on the spiritual condition of Jewish people. But neither speaks the other's language, and...well, I won't spoil the punch line.

Get the ballerina a drink...

A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.

She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink." She gets her drink and goes away.

Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink." She gets her drink and goes away again.

The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.

The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high."

Old love never dies...

A retired gentleman went to apply for Social Security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time he arrived at the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realised he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," as she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants -- you might have qualified for disability, too."

Out driving with Mildred... :-)

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

The meeting of friends...

Three friends hadn't seen each other since school. They refreshed various memories, and suddenly talk came upon the subject of religion.

Mohammed told about how he had been part of a project where they had renewed a mosque. 2000 of the better off citizens in his home town had renewed the building. It cost him some 1.500$.

Peter wanted to brag a bit, so he talked about being one of 50 who had purchased a new church tower, costing him at least 10.000$.

Mosche was disappointed in his cheap friends, and told them: "My dear friends. You are so cheap. You must realize we are talking about service to God. Each month, when my salary comes, I throw it all up in the air. What stays there is His, and what comes down to me is mine!"

:-)

Video of the Week

I hope you remember to set your mobile phones on silent tones when you do the ironing. Watch this video, and beware when the phone rings... :-)

What Is Really Bad Luck?

- What would be the ultimate sign of bad luck?
- ???
- Winning a full year of free shampoo when you're bald...