As Languages Evolve

When I went to school I was taught:

PUSSY meant a CAT
SEX meant GENDER
BITCH was a FEMALE DOG
DICK was a NAME
BANG was a SOUND
RUBBER was an ERASER
ASS was an ANIMAL
SCREW was just a TOOL
HEAD meant a part of BODY
BALLS meant a round TOY
NUTS meant DRYFRUIT
69 was just a NUMBER

And then I came across all you dirty bastards, and suddenly my education got ruined.

Happy New Year everyone. :-)

Exile In the Desert

Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item.

"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.

"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.

The third criminal looks proud of himself. "I brought a car door, so when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

Love Conquers All... :-)

A man escapes from prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen any women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He didn't kiss my neck. He whispered that he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too..."

Practical Thinking

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below 0 to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

The nutty soldier

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving strangely. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier examined.

The doctor concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”

Courageous?

When the husband comes home in a really heavy alcoholic state, being courageous is to ask your wife whether she's going for a fly or just doing a bit of night cleaning when she is waiting for you with a broom...

:-)

Catch-22 - Lawyer's Version...

A lawyer dies and goes to Heaven.
“There must be some mistake,” the lawyer argues. “I’m too young to die. I’m only fifty five.”
“Fifty five?” says Saint Peter. “No, according to out calculations, you’re eighty two.”
“How’s you get that?” the lawyer asks.

St. Peter answers: “We've added up your time sheets.”

:-)

Obama Need Not Wonder Anymore...

President Obama doesn't have to hire any expensive consultants to figure out why his approval ratings are dropping. We acknowledge a picture is worth a thousand words, so here comes the revealing picture:



Source: Political Humor at About.com.

Self-Help Section

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman: "Where’s the self-help section?"
She said: "If I told you, it would defeat the purpose."

Have a nice week everyone. :-)

Heard a While Back...

Back a couple of thousand years, Jesus was - it is claimed - walking on water. Many were amazed, but the fishermen had a pretty cold remark in response to all this:

"We don't care who you say your father is. Don't walk where we fish!"

Have a nice weekend everyone. :-)