Christmas Special From Jeff Dunham

Now that we are in the middle of December, I thought I would share a special Christmas show from Jeff Dunham with all of you.

Merry Christmas everyone :-)

Achmed - The Dead Terrorist Has a Son

Jeff Dunham has created a new character connected with Achmed - The Dead Terrorist. A must see for anyone who enjoys Jeff's humour. :-)

In the Hotel Lobby

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221

Three Men at the Urinal...

Three male programmers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals.
The first programmer finishes, walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands very carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.
Turning to the other two, he says, "At Windows, we are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second programmer finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper towel and makes sure that he dries his hands using every available portion of the paper towel.
He turns and says, "At Macintosh not only are we trained to be extremely thorough but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third programmer finished and walks straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder.
"At RedHat, we don`t PISS on our hands."

Super Source for Great Jokes

My Awesome Jokes is a super source for great jokes. I highly recommend you check out his site. I know Cylle. He's a good friend, and I know his sense of humor is great - as you can see from his website. :-)

As an example of the perfect jokes he shares, I want to point you to http://myawesomejokes.com/135/big-bills/ where you can read this joke:

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.
There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”
The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

Have a nice weekend everyone. :-)

As Languages Evolve

When I went to school I was taught:

PUSSY meant a CAT
SEX meant GENDER
BITCH was a FEMALE DOG
DICK was a NAME
BANG was a SOUND
RUBBER was an ERASER
ASS was an ANIMAL
SCREW was just a TOOL
HEAD meant a part of BODY
BALLS meant a round TOY
NUTS meant DRYFRUIT
69 was just a NUMBER

And then I came across all you dirty bastards, and suddenly my education got ruined.

Happy New Year everyone. :-)

Exile In the Desert

Three criminals are sentenced to exile in the desert and can only bring one personal item.

"I brought a loaf of bread, so when I get hungry, I'll have something to eat," said the first criminal.

"I brought a water skin, so that when I get thirsty, I'll have something to drink," said the second.

The third criminal looks proud of himself. "I brought a car door, so when it gets hot, I can roll down the window."

Love Conquers All... :-)

A man escapes from prison where he had been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen any women in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He didn't kiss my neck. He whispered that he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too..."

Practical Thinking

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below 0 to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.

The nutty soldier

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving strangely. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That’s not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier examined.

The doctor concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That’s it.”